Hey ppl! havent been on in awhile, but I've been pretty busy. You can catch me tomorrow nite from 9pm to 12am est on ZIPPERFISH Talk Radio. Tune in and join us for news,games,sex,trivia and some other stuff that will piss us off... until then, be well...
Note to readers: For those who are of the female audience, and who would like to leave a nasty comment because they cant handle the truth, I'd just like to give a big giant FUCK YOU in advance. Now onto the column...
And now folks, another rant respectfully called....
"I hate that shit"
So ok, I was talking to a friend of mine on aol and he was telling me about some chick he was talking to and how she was hating on his new eye candy. "You can do better." "lemme see?...ah, well..she's ugly." "umm..thats seriously her?"
Have we reversed back in time to junior high school, people? I mean what the fuck is up with these broads that dont have the balls to say whats really on their mind instead of taking a few more minutes to come up with something more intellegent? I just dont get where todays so called woman is headed. I mean sure, we can just sum it up to age and say that they're just a bunch of immature fucks who havent had a taste of reality, but that would be too easy. Take my friend, for example. She was fuckin this guy for 3 months and then he broke it off with her cause she wouldnt leave her man..who she happens to be with for over 2 years. So now, she's all complacent about how she cant get him off her mind..how she still wants him and all this other crap. Honey, is the cock really that supreme that you cant tell your ass from your elbow? Apparently not, since you have no intentions of leaving your faithful man of 2 years. Now dont get me wrong, I love my friend. And she had to learn her lessons the hard way. But why the fuck would you betray someone who has done no wrong to you? And then women wonder why men treat them like shit!! It boggles the mind. Here we have radiant women gracing the earth with their unprecedent beauty. Sorry to burst your bubble ladies, but eventually, your tits will sag, you'll gain 20 plus pounds, and you'll go through your little "pity me" identity crisis trying to "find yourself". Oh, wait..some of you youngins are going through that now. Now dont get me wrong. There are plenty of strong, independent women out there who could give a fiddelists fuck what anybody thinks about them. And its true, that some men are intimidated by these select few. But these women have the ONE quality that is the true mind fuck of them all.. SELF FUCKIN WORTH!! I am so sick of hearing about these little girls that hate on a male friend because they're not the "flavor of the month" If you want the fuckin guy, go after him. If you just wanna quick lay to try out the goods, then do it. It doesnt make you a bad person. It doesnt make you immoral. Hell, this whole country is immoral. Do you honestly think people are gonna give a shit if you have a lil rendevous with someone you want? If they do, then they have way too much fuckin time on their hands. Either that, or you're so fuckin self absorbed that it actually matters what other people think about you..and that alone is pretty fuckin sad. Now let me make this clear...I've been unfaithful. Many times. And I've been caught. Was it my fuck up? Abosolutely. What am I more sorry about...getting caught or being unfaithful?.. Well, honestly, I obviously didnt feel bad when I was cheating, so getting caught would be the answer. Does it make me a bad person? No. Does it keep me up at night? No. Do I wish I could take it back? No. Not because I dont regret it, but because it's all part of the lessons of life. and at least I have the balls to admit that I willingly put myself in that situation and I paid my dues. How many women can say that? How many woman can say that it was THEIR fault and not point the fuckin finger at their man because "its not the same anymore" "he doesnt treat me right" "the sex is lousy" "he doesnt buy me nice things anymore" Bitch, since when is having a "boyfriend" another word for "welfare"? Are women that starved for attention that they've forgotten what reality is? Ladies, we do NOT live in a fuckin soap opera. Maybe YOU hear music in the background when something "tragic" happens to you, and if you do, I strongly recommend professional help. But this is not a world of handouts, nor is it a world of "shoulda coulda woulda's" If you want something or someone, seize the moment, but dont cry about it later. If your relationship sucks, either TAKE THE TIME to fix it, or HAVE THE BALLS to break it off. And for those playing those self proclaimed "mind games"... when you've seen what most mature woman have seen, and have things that are YOUR OWN, then you can have the right to play all the mind games you want. Until then, keep living in your parents house, driving mommy and daddy's car, and fixing yourself up in the rear view mirror so the guys cant see what you see every single day. And a little reality check for the "supposed friends turned haters"... if you're a real friend, you'll support your buddies choices and be there to comfort him if shit doesnt work out...but dont be fuckin bitter just beacuse HE DOESNT WANT YOU. Damn, I've done it again. Not only have I written another masterpiece, But I've kept all you youngins up past your bedtime. Make sure you wash your pacifier before you use it.
This entry is open for comment..male, female, and adolecents alike.
So ok.. I'm back. Its been a year that I've been in my new house, and I'm loving it. Sure, its had its ups and downs, but its definitely better than anywhere I've lived before. I have a little more time on my hands since I stepped down from my job, so I'll definitely be around a little more to share my thoughts.
All I could think about was yesterday... Tonight the heavens glowed with colors. Eyes widened as they looked above and saw teardrops of gold, crimson, and silver. And even though the air was awake and full of illuminous life... Somewhere inside of me, all was still. And all I could think about was yesterday: At an uncanny moment, our paths crossed again. Eyes glowed and smiles seemed to flow naturally as the summer breeze. We spoke for only a moment... even though we hadnt seen each other in years. His face unchanged; the locks of his hair clipped away... His eyes more clear to me than they had ever been. How strange to see Him in this light: His smile a little brighter; His eyes more calm; His voice more soothing. He was preparing for His wedding in two days. My heart warmed to Him at that moment: Happy that He had finally found the love He had wanted: Broken that He couldnt find that love with me. And so on Sunday morning I sat on my porch looking out into blue skies, thinking of Him: The vows that He would take for life that day: The peace that He would feel when He looked into His wife's eyes and embrace the true meaning of love... And tonight, under a blanket of man made stars, with each thunderous burst shooting into the dark night above... All I could think of was yesterday...
I left work early today because the stupid conference call was cancelled. It's just as well, since I didnt feel like my usual self today. By the time I got home the sky was black and the heavens seemed to quake with the coming of a storm.
And so, in one of my cliche moments of sentiment, I slipped into a china robe, glass of wine in one hand, ciggarette in the other and stood out in the rain. I dont know what it is about a storm that seems to heighten my senses. Something about the earth being saturated by thick, heavy drops makes me feel...deliciously sinful. And at the same time, more tranquil than I could ever feel in any other moment. Every muscle in me seems to loosen, and my thoughts become swelled with memories of old:
a lover from the past that gives me peace: and in turn, gives me torment in saturated dreams How I miss that forgotten touch Just as much as I adore the rain...
The world swirls at an unstoppable pace; figures no longer take shape, they only blend into colors in the view of clouded eyes My heart swells with emotion; too hazy to focus on one feeling, so I feel the overdose of passion, fury and sadness all at once. How I want to scream... to be free from this crypt that I call my sense of reasoning. For one instant, I want to forget who I am.. who I have become... there is no desire to fall into the realities of this world... I want to get lost within myself... and at the same time, I need to sever the truths of my heart.. my god, make it all go away..
Today was a day of comfort. The air was caked with the scents of backyard cookouts; With a glorious sun beaming overhead, giving warmth and solice to those who seek it; Bitter memories were cast aside for the moments of serenity blended with a child's laughter. I drank in this day... sedated by the morning... and finding sanctuary in the sunset. Now, in the shelter of these walls, engulfed by the sounds of the night, this body eases into tranqulity: hearing the sounds of spring breezes lulling me into deep slumber. Today was a good day.
The world moves at an uncontrollable pace; The earth beneath me feels soft and moist from the showers of May bringing a scent of new life from blossoms and pine; And while the moon slices through dark clouds in its purest form bringing forth natural light Within me, this soul still aches churning insides overwhelm my thoughts and fill my nerves with tension, making hairs rise and skin feel unnaturaly soft. I abhor this feeling. When emotions are no longer my own. When I have put the past behind me And still, forgotten desires taunt me in my dreams. In sleep, I am drawn against my will by my own memories of this being who has been diminished from my life for what feels like an eaon. In these dreams, I have Him the way I have always wanted.. no secret endeavors... no nights of forbidden passion.. no hours lingered in needed caresses.. only one image comes when I shut my eyes and fall into slumber... His kiss.. nothing else. and then, I wake up, forgetting where I am..missing where I had been.. If there is a Heaven, please free me from this pain.. If this is a punishment from Hell..let me have my torment for a while longer before I get there
A day when mothers are loved a lil more... a day to hate the mother you never had... a day to lay orchids on her grave and sit on the earth to talk to stone... and hear her voice gliding through the wind. This vessel of flesh and bone which strained to bring you into this clouded world; filling you with hope as she held your infant hand you looked at her with sober eyes; and cried for the milk she willingly gave of all the memories we have of our mothers I think the one we would have wanted to remember the most was when she first layed eyes on you and shed her tears of joy... the first time... the only time when love was truly pure and unknown. when the pain and all else was forgotten and you were the only one that mattered at that moment. I think that if I could remember that moment and hold it with me always I would not feel the contempt I feel for her today.
another mothers day is here and I must say that I'm much more fufilled than I have been in a long time... well...with the exception of the cramps and all. So do I go all poetic on this day, or should I just smile and take what comes in stride?.... Im still too tired to think about it. Im sure I'll post something mushy later... right now, I just need another advil... Happy mothers day to all
Soft.. filled with moistened dew from tulip petals... chilling, at first then saturated with slick beads of rain glistening over trembling skin lightning crashes... sending tremors through the spine like a sword cleaving insides in two; ripping into muscle; quaking through the very core of a hungry soul... head tilted; hair like long wet cables whipping through the wind; the tip of my tougne arching for more drops... nature giving me life. the nectar from heaven above making me whole... How I adore the storm... As much as I still adore your kiss...
it's wet... dark and wet... the town enfuled by shadow with spectrums of light glimmering through tinted windows.. and here, another day has faded; another day when life drains from me. these muscles are tense. straining against weathered skin, sending stabs of pain behind heavy eyes... I long for sleep. to slither under soft sheets, to feel the darkness consume me like a lover smothering me with drowning kisses over tingling flesh... to entangle legs with plush pillows and dream... to dream of new lovers and savor passions of old... weather I am awake or in slumber... a night for dreams... this night is for me
you dont expect it. it has its hold on you like an infected wound that wont dissapear... it has been a part of your restless dreams... a part of your sleepless nights... and then, in a moment of reality, when the world makes a little more sense than usual... it ends. There is no feeling of sorrow, nor any feeling of amazement; not a single tear is shed and anger has subsided... everything that you believed to be love becomes a jaded cloud passing quickly by. that was how it was for me at that moment. I reached out one final time to a voice that was meant to be forgotten. for those that ask why, I suppose its just the sadist in me: to inflict this torture upon myself is nothing new, and I expected it to hurt more than it did. but when I heard that voice again, and heard His response, I knew. it was as if an image of myself was dangling love over my head like a trinket, and when I finally clinched it in my hands... I realized this trinket was now tarnished and faded. It no longer held the sparkle that drew me to it in the first place. It was no longer meant for me. and so, I held love in my hands...for over four years... and realize now that its time to toss it aside. He, who inspired me to write and sing... He, who filled my thoughts and swirled in my soul... He, whom I loved for so long Eric... whom I love and want no more.
so things went pretty damn well this past week overall... Wrestlemania was worth every penny My sons birthday was a success The Tar Heels are the new NCAA champs Ive been cleaning house at the job with an incredible amount of efficiency And the weather has been undoubtedly beuatiful... The neighbors laugh and enjoy sunday gatherings in their backyards; planting calla lillies and tulips in their gardens; birds that I never thought that I would ever see perch themselves on the tree that leans over my home and sing their songs of love and rejoicing; and children play in the streets without the worry of gunshots whizzing past them and crack viles scattered on the pavement; Everyday that passes, is another day I'm convinced that I belong here. I mean, sure sometimes I get depressed...maybe even a little lonely. but I think that times like these are what Ive been waiting for: things I never had when I was a kid; things that I can now pass onto my son. Todays a good day. I think Ill begin work on my garden
so ok... since my last post, lets see what been happenin... Ive reached over 7000 hits on here; Ive been sick as a dog;my house is a shambles; and my sons bitrthday is in two days... What a way to kick in spring.
I guess I can be a lil skeptical and say that these past few days have sucked beyond anything I have endured in awhile. Im feening to work out and get rid of this excess baggage thats holding me down, but running 103 fever isnt helping me reach my goal either. Im off of work for the next four days, and I have little time to enjoy it. Ive been having too many dreams filled with sexual innuendos, that its starting to piss me off. I know that I need this downtime to relax, but with this flu, its just not happenin. jeez, what I would give for a nice stiff drink right now..
There are those times when the shadows move without warning; times when the flickering light of a candle sways with a seductive ease; when the music filling the air sends trembles up the spine and makes the nerves weak to any carress... it is those moments when I feel Him the most: the glistening of soft, mocha skin; the familiar memory of ebony locks stranded with lines of grey entwined in my fingertips; the sensation of overpowering strength preparing to conquer me; and in that final moment when silk and sweat minlge in the air... the lights come on and I wake up from a fading memory from long ago
Its funny the things we recall; particulary the way women remember things that seem so significant to us; and the utter irony that men will just shrug away memories as if its too much for them to think about. I guess thats the sentimental fool in me talking. So ok... it was eleven years ago this day that innocence was given. I was fifteen and he was eighteen. We had been together as childhood sweethearts since I was ten..you know the occasional "puppy love"..of course at the time I had lied my age and told him I was turning 13, but my height had helped me get away with that lie for a litttle while. We lived right across the street from each other and every night before we went to sleep, we would watch each other and blow kisses from our bedroom windows. And that day, when we gave ourselves to each other, it wasnt just beacuse we were two teenagers experimenting..we were geuinely in love. We stayed together for eleven years. And during that time, our love flourished in the creation of our son. To this day, we consider each other best friends. Growing up together and building something that has yet to compare with what we shared. Yes, we've moved on to other lovers, finding love in the eyes and hearts of other people, but in the end, I believe no matter who we find, nothing can compare to what we endured. In truth, he and I defined what love should be: from the purest heart of childhood, to the maturity of age. And I am grateful to have shared those years with someone who actually meant something to me..to this day he still does. Love is never meant to last, so they say.. but still, in this life, I can look back and say that in its purest form, love no longer waited, but found its mark.
So ok... If anyone here is from New york or California, you've probably heard about the 50 Cent/Game rivalry that has seemed to sprout. Hell it made the front page of the newspaper in all of its "gangsta glory" this morning. So now you must realize that I have to do a whole bitching session in this entry: So where do I start?.. We have two former drug dealers and gang members declaring "gangsta war" on each other through a war of words. "Spitting" rhymes at how the other is a punk and "lil bitch". Not only that, but gunshots were fired outside a local radio station here in New York and a member of one of the rappers entourage got shot in the ass. You see where I'm going with this?.. Rap/Hip hop is streaming on the airwaves at an alltime high. Former drug dealers turned Rap Moguls walk around wearing Versace and Jewelry that could put a down payment on a home. They buy houses in every other state which they'll probably never visit. And they have MILLIONS sitting in swiss bank accounts from their profound success in the industry. Yet despite all of this new found glory, these fools cant seem to just shut up and enjoy the lives that they have been so "blessed" with. Oh, but let us shed a tear for these poor misguided millionares: they had broken homes. No mommy and daddy to lead them in the right direction. But hell, so did 65% percent of the country. But you dont see some of them selling crack and ruining futures for their own profit. These are the individuals that our kids have to look up to. I see it everyday. On my old block in the Bronx, teenagers trying to be "50 Cent wannabes" talk about this as if it were politics. And here they are, selling crack on the streets, strapped with guns at twelve years old. Oh yes, these are great examples of how to be successful. I could go on forever with this rant, but I'll leave it at this: To 50 Cent and The Game; take that "hard earned money" and pay back the lives you so graciously took when you were selling crack to sixteen year olds, turn on the news and watch REAL soldiers giving their lives in Iraq so that you can enjoy your millions, and lastly, put the guns down, throw aside your bullet proof vests and go head on in a mosh pit and settle this dispute like real men... or just keep yapping your million dollars mouths away until one of you is dead..I'm sure you'll sell more records after that..pity you wont be around to enjoy them. This post is open for comment to all.
So here I am once again. Trapped in the hallowed halls of my home, surrounded by trees and hills camoflauged under snow. I drove out early in the morning to tend to my groceries. I was pretty surprised that the day was so warm; and thinking to myself how insane I was to be driving out in this weather... But the views were nice enough: deer nestled in the hills as the lake seemed to be nothing more than a naked canvas. I loved the long drive. It felt relieving to speed down the highway at 90 miles an hour watching the world around me pass by like a flashing memory... of course, I wouldnt have minded another way to release this pent up frustration, but I'll talk about that another time.
so much for early retirement... I never thought I would look forward to the call I got a few days ago. Turns out that my old company is missing me and they want me to come back. Believe me when I say I had no intentions of returning, but this suburban life is driving me nuts. Sometimes too much of it can make a person go mad. So after a few negotiations, it seems I'l be back on the field by next week. I didnt want to talk to much about it because I wasnt sure of my next move. I look at my son and I feel that I need to be here more than I should, but at the same time, I definitely need an outlet. I'm not much of the party person that I used to be..I hate to say it, but I guess I'm getting to old for that type of thing. Personally, I'd take a jazz club over a rave anyday. Lately, the milk baths and candlelit rooms just dont feel earned. Or maybe I'm just so used to telling people what to do and getting paid for it. Anyways, my posts will continue as they always have. Perhaps with a more heartfelt passion rather than with a dark lonliness of a dreamer.
Tonight is a night for magic... In the lights of the city,bodies intertwine to the sound of music surrounded by shadows and spectrums of light.. In the outskirts of the north, someone is wrapped in long, luxurious sheets of silk feeling the breath of their lover on glistening skin.. and in these hallowed halls, a child sleeps in her mothers bed having dreams that only angels can grant... So sedlom few believe in these things..one chooses to accept these moments as simple details and blissfull cliches.. but it is when the music surges through you with uncontrollable intensity.. it is when eyes go smokey and blind when reaching that final shudder.. it is when you look upon your children and memeorize every curve as they smile in slumber... it is then that magic ignites.. a magic in all of us
And so here it is... another week come and gone, another day closer to the spingtime. Another day where I feel a little more relaxed than usual. The tea helps to an extent. I'm in a lazy kind of mood but not feeling as down as I was the night before. I suppose my heart is in good spirits this time around... but we'll see how long that lasts.
How strange... this afternoon I was in a somewhat melancholy mood; not paying mind to my surroundings, rather feeling utterly consumed by them.. and now it the middle of the night, as the earth outside is quilted in a blanket of snow, I feel more elated than I have felt in the past few evenings. The night ended on an unexpected note: talking to a new found friend for a casual, somewhat intimate moment. we spoke of small plesantries; of careers and irony; I found myself like a lazy cat on the prowl: exploring his shyness, unconciously flirting with low tones and small chuckles. In the end, I lay in bed nestled under warm covers listening to his voice...and shyness began to peel away like the first juices spraying from a peeled orange. I was ready for bed before we spoke.. now I cant bring myself to sleep... a familiar moment, with a new friend... I enjoy times like these. They dont come as much as I'd like them to... but when they do, it's a good moment to bathe in... and eventually lull me to sleep.
